That Serenity Thing
Four truths to live by – By Stacey Huget
Anyone who has ever been exposed to the twelve steps will have encountered the Serenity Prayer – the one that summons within us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; the courage to change the things we can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
Over my fourteen years of recovery from alcoholism, I have come to deeply appreciate this mantra. Beyond being beautiful prose, and beyond being the backbone for so much of addictions recovery, it’s a guide to wellness for all of us – especially, when we top it up with one more powerful truth.
The Serenity of Acceptance
How much of our misery comes from railing against the other people or events or circumstances around us?
One of the hardest truths we ever have to embrace is this: other people are as they are, not as we want them to be; the world is the way it is, not the way we want it to be. The sooner we embrace this truth, the sooner we move past our pain of denial and delusion and disappointment.
The privileged among us grew up with fairy tales involving glorious transformations of frogs to princes, dream-delivering ruby red slippers, and wealth-bestowing beanstalks. That privilege protected us from the world when we were young and vulnerable, but we later grew up to discover that frogs remain frogs, slippers grow holes, and vegetables are good for soup and salad.
Not to knock imagination – a lovely gift worthy of being nurtured and cherished our entire lives – but those fairy tales messed with our heads a little, setting us up with a whole host of disappointments waiting to happen.
Accepting reality, like so many truths, is easier to read and say and think about than to actually do. It takes practice, reflection, mindfulness – and a lot of letting go. But when we get there, everything else gets a whole lot easier. We stop all that resisting, pushing against, feeling violated by, or lashing out against what just is – irrespective of our desires, oblivious to our needs, impervious to our efforts. It just is what it is.
The Courage to Change
How much of our feeling stuck in the world comes from not recognizing our own choice and capacity and agency in the world?
The power and resilience of the human spirit really is inspiring – awesome in the true sense of the word.
No matter what the circumstances and events and people in our lives dish up, there is so much we can choose to do about it. How we show up in each moment, whoever we become to experience greater joy and meaning, connection and vitality, whatever we need to do to influence the world around us – it is within us to make it happen.
We just have to step up.
Stepping up can be frightening, and it can entail hard work, and we might wish we didn’t have to. Sure, we might need to reach out for help along the way – but we can change ourselves to meet or even triumph over circumstance, to influence the experience of the people in our lives, to influence the future events and conditions of the world around us.
The thing about all of this that we need to hold space for is that it’s a process. There is no finish line, no score card, no prize at the end of it. There is just our experience of being in any given moment … None of it is perfect – and all of it is perfect.
Be the change you wish to be in the world, said Mahatma Gandhi.
No pressure. No one’s keeping score. It’s simply an option.
Either way, step up or not, a lot of what we experience is of our own making. Sad or happy, always true.
The Wisdom of Discernment
How much of our confusion and angst arises because we aren’t clearly seeing where our influence over ourselves and our world begins and ends?
The world happens to us, and we are happening within it – both at once. Discerning the limits and the opportunity of that interplay in any moment is what sets us free.
Is this attribute I have or this way of being in the world something I can change – or something I have to accept? Is this conflict or misunderstanding I’m having with other people within my power to resolve? Is this societal ill something we can work to change?
This inner clarity and discernment – which takes curiosity and honesty and humility – frees us up because it narrows our choices. Is it in my power to act, or is there something I need to just accept?
Yes, there’s a peace that comes from making that distinction – but there’s some pressure too. Because the scope of things we actually do have power over can be a little daunting.
That’s where I add a fourth truth to this mantra – drawing on another golden phrase from my recovery days…
To Thine Own Self Be True
How much of our angst and indecision comes from taking on too much, from taking on the wrong things, from being buffeted around by others’ expectations of us?
This is where being true to one’s own self comes in. But like the other truths, this one can be both deceptively simple and incredibly challenging to do – before it becomes automatic, which it eventually can with time and experience.
It can all seem deceptively simple when we’re children. In fact, to those driven entirely by self-interest – children and adults, alike – it’s almost a no-brainer. Eventually, though, one discovers that self-interest and being true to oneself are not the same thing. One is based on greed, the other on honour. One keeps us hungry, the other fills us up.
At times in our life – particularly when we’re young or on shaky ground – it can be challenging enough to just figure out who the hell we actually are, let alone be true to that. Sadly, we weren’t born with an instruction manual or with detailed specifications. Others’ opinions will often differ. We have to figure this puppy out for ourselves.
Then, at some point, that capacity for critical thinking, that inner compass, that thin small voice within us – whatever it is we call upon, it kicks in, and we begin to just know.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom, says Anais Nin.
We know and embrace our authentic selves with compassion, and then it all becomes easier to know which choices to make and which to pass up. And it doesn’t matter so much what other people think – because that’s about them.
The thing about all of this that we need to hold space for is that it’s a process. There is no finish line, no score card, no prize at the end of it. There is just our experience of being in any given moment.
None of it is perfect – and all of it is perfect.
