The Loss of Conversation
And what it might mean for our well-being – By Stacey Huget
Sometimes I wonder whether we humans are accidentally evolving, unintentionally re-engineering ourselves – and not necessarily for the better. Certainly, our capacity for deep and roomy conversation, seems to be declining and with it, our sense of well-being and connection
Which is not to say we don’t all occasionally experience those deeply engaging, soul-restoring conversations that help to make life worth living. It’s just that the genuine conversations we most need to have about the things that matter most aren’t happening as often as they used to – not as individuals, not as a society.
On the political landscape we see increasingly sophisticated spin where there was once genuine dialogue. More and more, we hear lip service given to consultation and “having a voice” – but the real thing has all but slipped away. Democratic principles tell us we’re all equal – but clearly some of us are more equal than others, and they’re the ones driving the agenda. I wonder what impact that is having on our sense of agency and influence in the world.
Elsewhere, so much of the conversation in our public sphere is about what’s on offer – those products and services and trends and celebrities that supposedly enhance our lives. Where we were once human beings, we are now consumers. Where we once participated in communities, we now participate in economies. And the self-expression that seems to matter most is what we make with our wallets open. While brands have long befriended and pandered to us, they now invade our space with algorithmically-generated “personalized” messages based on the digital trail we’ve left behind – as though that were all there were to know about us. In this advertising-gone-amok world where so much of the conversation is one-way, I wonder how we don’t feel violated, diminished, powerless.
In our news and popular culture, overwhelmed as we are with inconceivably vast amounts of information, we’ve come to demand brevity – the simple headlines and sound-bites and imagery that are so much easier for us to digest. Never mind how superficial they can be, that they mightn’t be true, or that our capacity for critical thought and discernment may be fading from disuse – or sheer exhaustion. The world simply has us moving too fast to engage in genuine debate. We gather with the like-minded to swap sympathies and learn little. And even there, we’re pressured to express ourselves as briefly as possible, lest we take more air time than we deserve. What is that doing to us – this dwindling appetite to listen to and engage with one another, this chokehold on public discourse?
Amidst our hectic, over-scheduled lives, we’ve begun to apply efficiency-filters to how we connect with our own friends and family – usually online. We socialize in person less than we used to, overwhelmed by traffic, expense, or hassle in an already stressful life. Leisurely telephone calls are disappearing from our lives. Relative to email and text and social media, they just can’t compete – intrusive, unpredictable, and without that handy ability to edit ourselves as we go. One has to wonder what all this efficiency and control and distance is doing to our capacity for intimacy.
The truth is, while its appeal is undeniable, our infatuation with digital technology may be driving us farther and farther away from meaningful dialogue. We’re told that we’re more connected than ever before, but research suggests we’ve never felt so alone. We’re not only starved for connection; we’re gradually losing our very capacity to connect, learn from, and empathize with one another – or to even know what it is to express the deepest part of ourselves.
Sure, some deeply personal exchanges can happen on social media. But conversation is more than an exchange of words on a screen. It’s the resonance of another’s voice, the looking into another’s eyes as they reveal themselves or hear and respond to us. It’s the sharing of laughter or tears, of triumph and vulnerability. It’s the powerful firing of our mirroring neurons. It’s patience. It’s tolerance for the messy. It’s the energy between us, the feeling of being close to another beating heart.
It’s a question that matters, because conversation is so key to our wellness and our sense of meaning. It’s how we express ourselves, how we feel heard and seen and understood. It’s how we learn from and empathize with and feel compassion for others – which then influences our decision-making and our choices about how to be in the world.
So, what if the magic of conversation – the kind that draws us out, gently challenges us, and helps us feel safe enough to express, discover, connect, and renew – is actually dying out?
It’s a question that matters, because conversation is so key to our wellness and our sense of meaning. It’s how we express ourselves, how we feel heard and seen and understood. It’s how we learn from and empathize with and feel compassion for others – which then influences our decision-making and our choices about how to be in the world.
A safe space and revealing conversation can be amazingly cathartic. We’ve all experienced the incomparable comfort of a roomy, heartfelt, no-holes-barred conversation with someone we love and trust. Likewise, we’ve all experienced that swell of courage as we engage with someone new to us, whose views are different from ours – only to find common ground, and a deeper sense of meaning and connection that sweetly alters our world.
Conversation is such a glorious part of being human – the courage of self-expression, the balm of genuine empathy, the discovery of new ways of being, the knowing we are not alone.
Despite all the pressures of our fast-paced world, despite all the undeniable allure and benefits of digital media, let us revive and protect this: our capacity for deep and roomy conversations with each other, our capacity for genuine connection.
Of all the aspects of our humanity we would want most to protect in our lives – and to pass on to the generation that follows – isn’t this one of them?
