Readying Ourselves for Change
Exploring our resistance in order to move through it – By Stacey Huget
Fierce resolve and best intentions aside, how many of us have tried to change something about ourselves using sheer willpower alone – and failed? In our initial enthusiasm for whatever breakthrough we’re envisioning, we sometimes downplay the need to fully prepare for change, to ready ourselves for it just as we would any other act of courage.
Personal growth, that beautiful journey of deep becoming, is an act of courage. When we seek to break free of an old habit or step out of a rut or push the boundaries of a comfort zone, we’re going against what we know – what our subconscious minds are wired to defend. It’s like swimming against our own current.
The bigger the change we’re wanting to make, the stronger that inner current.
While there’s a lot to be said for a positive attitude and can-do spirit, they may not be enough. It’s only when we fully understand and prepare to meet our resistance that we can move through it. This entails sorting through and challenging some of the things we’re telling ourselves, exploring and acknowledging our driving needs, and accepting our deeper feelings about change.
When the resistance is gone, so are the demons, says beloved Buddhist Pema Chödrön.
Our thoughts are the wellspring of how we feel and what we do – and change isn’t the outcome of a single thought, but of many related ones, not all of which are conscious. Our I will and I can are thoughts floating along the surface of a deep sea of maybe not and yeah, but and someday, but not now.
Which is where positivity falls short. Just focusing on the pro side of change doesn’t make the con side go away. We might think so when we’re swimming effortlessly on the calm waters of our resolve, but unless we’re prepared for it, that undertow of resistance can pull us down at any time, back to our old comfort zone, to our old ways of thinking and being.
While there’s a lot to be said for a positive attitude and can-do spirit, they may not be enough. It’s only when we fully understand and prepare to meet our resistance that we can move through it. This entails sorting through and challenging some of the things we’re telling ourselves, exploring and acknowledging our driving needs, and accepting our deeper feelings about change.
We need to dive into these currents of resistance and better understand the thoughts driving them – and the deeper needs they may be serving.
We all have needs we’re not even aware of – or don’t wish to admit to. We need to appear to be a certain way, to be worthy of others’ approval. We need to think we’re safe against imagined dangers. Or we need to adhere to a story we’ve been telling ourselves about who we are, about our abilities, about what it means to succeed or fail. All too often, we need things to stay the same. Why? Unearthing and acknowledging these needs and gently challenging them is necessary but difficult work – because our feelings are involved.
Powerful emotions can arise when we challenge our core beliefs and the needs they serve. If we look deep enough inside ourselves, we’re almost sure to discover fear – fear of failure, fear of change or, more specifically, fear of what we’re telling ourselves might happen if we change. We may find anger there – anger at ourselves for not having made this change in the past, or at others who we tell ourselves have stood in our way, or at the world for hurling so many imagined barriers in our path. We might also find sadness arising from past experiences or trauma. Or grief over the imagined loss of whatever we think we’re giving up.
We need to experience these emotions with acceptance and compassion before we can fully experience our desire and excitement and joy around showing up in a new way. This is important, because it’s this delicious yearning – to move toward growth, rather than toward protection – that will accompany us and bolster us as we propel ourselves upstream.
Some of the transformations we make in our lives are relatively smooth ones, but others – oftentimes the most life-changing ones – encounter choppy waters.
In the early days and weeks of a new behavior, the pull to old habits and comfort zones can strike suddenly and with surprising force. Any number of experiences, remarks, or sensory cues can trigger our mind to begin its nattering self-sabotage: Maybe later … don’t kid yourself, you can’t do this … other people aren’t making this change … it wasn’t so bad the way it was.
With mindfulness, we interrupt this narrative. We consider what’s going on for us, accept it with compassion, and address it head-on. The degree to which we can overcome our resistance is the degree to which we recognize it for what it is and meet it with more forceful counter-currents driven by our desire, not by our fear.
Our ability to marshal our thoughts to evoke and sustain a desire and need for growth – that is what we are readying when we prepare for change. It is what dulls the allure of our old comfort zones and challenges those thoughts that bubble up in defense of the so-called “safe” status quo.
Most of the time, if we’re prepared and truly ready, we’ll become the change we seek. We’ll grow into who we aspire to be. A beautiful thing.
Some of the time, however, we’ll relapse. And the hardest wave of change work crashes over us – getting back on track.
Here’s the thing we must remember: Drifting off course is less important than what we tell ourselves about drifting off course. So often, we conflate relapse with failure when it’s really just a completely understandable jag in our progress. So often, we upset ourselves with “back to square one” thoughts when, really, we just need to re-align our efforts and start again from where we are – which is a long way ahead of square one.
More than willpower, a disciplined mind is our most powerful ally. Our ability to marshal our thoughts to evoke and sustain a desire and need for growth – that is what we are readying when we prepare for change. It is what dulls the allure of our old comfort zones and challenges those thoughts that bubble up in defense of the so-called “safe” status quo.
This work of personal transformation is ours alone – an exhilarating and solitary discovery. And while others may praise us when we succeed, they usually won’t appreciate the effort our preparation took – let alone recognize it as the foundation for our success. As George Bernard Shaw said: The real moment of success is not the moment apparent to the crowd.
The experience of growing into our aspirations is our most profound and personal mystery, our greatest challenge. Of what depths and heights are we capable? Who and what might we become?
Yes, answering that call is an act of courage – one that deserves our preparation. Of course, we must still have enough chutzpah to actually get on with it. Like the brilliant novelist Henry James once said:
Until you try, you don’t know what you can do.